Its not cute, innocent fun.

Ok, I will get to the healing and yoga part soon. This is another thing that is on paper that I want to put here.  I think I wrote this year. 2014

A few years ago, when I was about 40 years old, a so-called friend told me to reconnect with my parents.  It was at a time when I was living with a boyfriend who I was fighting with every day; sometimes injured by him.  My therapist told me to stay with him because there are no housing options for me.  I wasn’t working because I was only strong enough for my art practice, not to work.  This is what daily verbal abuse and sometimes hitting does to me.  I also had lost work as a teaching artist, (another post on corruption in nonprofits at a later date) because I couldn’t comply with my bosses’ stupidity and got tired of her verbal abuse. (another post on I.Q. another time.)

I only had disability (640/month)* and no food stamps, as I was living in an illegal conversion room for rent, and there were “no such thing as rent receipts”.  So this “friend” let me stay in his non live studio for 3 nights.  He was in his late 50’s then.  This middle-aged white man told me men beating women is acceptable because “getting along between men and women is very difficult”  He also told me to swallow my pride and try to live with my parents.

I told him, and doubt that it was the first time, that I left home at 16 years old and that I was mistreated.

Middle aged white man.  “Didn’t he work to feed you?”

me:   “No he was always dunk.  His mother sent him checks”

MAWM     “But you went to —–” (competitive math and sciences high school that require testing, the hardest at that time)

me: “—- is a public school”

MAWM:    “How did you go?”

me:   “Testing.  There is no tuition in that school”

When I told this man that  I was beaten almost every day from age 7 (when he left his day job to become a full-time artist)**, until 10th grade when I was hospitalized in an adolescent psychiatric unit,  he told me that all Asian parents are like that.

MAWM: “What about your mom?”

me:  “Not every day, but she tried to hold my face underwater in a bathtub.  Knocked me down and put on high heels to walk on me.  Pulled out my hair in tufts.  To punish me for being born.”

MAWM:   “All Asian mothers are sociopaths.  It’s not wrong.”

I also told him that I was often told that I would be sold at 12 years old.  My earliest memory was fingering my mother and holding my father’s penis.  They did the same to me.  It was supposed to be a game.  I also was told later about my panty dancing performances when I was 3 years old.  They used to give me sweet red wine (at 3).  My father also told me to change what I was wearing, and he will watch.  Sometimes he will tell at me to change my underwear too.  This was between when I was 9 till I was about 11.  In fifth grade,there was a time when  it hurt for me to walk.  I think my parents were questioned.  I didn’t see my father’s penis again until I was 15 years old.

MAWM “But that is cute, innocent fun. You have to stop doing this victim thing and swallow your pride.”

I am guessing that this man is not unique.  He looks sane, has worked, is on the board of directors for an arts organization, has 2 sons.  My not communicating with my parents is not a pride thing, it is a safety thing.  I am no longer afraid that i will be beaten up, but I do not want to retraumatize myself more, and receive more verbal abuse.

I am no longer in contact with this man.

*In this city, a single room cannot be rented at this amount of money per month, even in a shared apartment in a bad part of town.

** He rented an artist’s studio in an industrial part of the city  (with what money?  I was told the studio rent was higher than the apartment rent)  But he was more of a full-time drunk. When there is little structure, and cause and effect of economic gains are skewed like in this case, where an adult is dependent on a parent who lives on the other side of the earth, addicts can plummet really fast.

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