So I did better my life by having work ethics, and working hard for a living. And that trained me to be a working artist. I like art making enough that I defied what people told me. “Wait until you have a stable job and you make enough money”, “Its impossible, you do not have what it takes”, “you need connections and to know people”. All advice that I defied; it was hard, as I was at that time so desperate to be accepted, and I wanted to agree and obey everyone, just to be liked. I liked the discipline of my art better. I have had healing from the attention I get. I didn’t start becoming an artist to get attention, nor to gain friends, not to gain an audience, yet the attention I receive is a large part of my healing. I was told by a therapist around 2005* that things that boosts my sense of worthiness are good for me. I was told that I should be in the spotlight, take work as a teaching specialist or presenter and not in the service industry, and that I should not do things that I perceive to be oppressive. This therapist told me that these things may seem narcissistic from my point of view because I was abused and dehumanized so much that my perceptions are wrong, and that I need to stop being devalued, especially by my self. I still take service industry temp work as they come up, but when there is a stupid boss (more than 30 points lower IQ than me, I guess) I do not do well, and start to want to destroy things again. My current therapist tells me to stay on benefits and not take work in retail or food service.
I am still on the path of bettering my life, overcoming that I react to things differently, (see my 1/21/15 post when I spit on an elderly woman), and convincing myself not to take any cafe, retail, or childcare work people suggest. I mean babysitting for kids who are privileged in so many ways than me? I mean, children who did not learn to give hand jobs at the age of two are more privileged than me. I have never hurt a child but why put me in a position where I would be tempted to throw a kid into a wall or hit them with a hammer for annoying me? I do not think that I will ever do that but for more than a decade that was my daily life (my father lost it every day, not just sometimes) and I was told repeatedly that this was ok. I have a hard time thinking that they really are looking out for me because these are jobs with wages that they won’t take. I also still do not know how people assume that i have an intellectual deficiency because of my nervous conditions, especially when they know about artists who had mental disabilities. Having good work ethics, has put me in many oppressive conditions, where my PTSD is exacerbated. I am learning to avoid damaging circumstances, and have lost friends. There are many people who I will not see in person again until things change. I love Facebook. There are so many people who I do not want to see, but i can stay in touch in a superficial way, as I have no enmity towards some people who are unintentionally insensitive.
My art life ant the attention that comes with it, and knowing that I am not lazy and greedy,and my learning to protect myself from ignorant people has bettered my life. Yoga has also bettered my life.
*I have been through so many with lapses in sessions for many reasons, a topic for another post.