mental illness, privilege, opression

I see a lot of posts on social media about the Charleston shooter.

is one of them.

Some people who post things like this are the people who think my father and mother should be forgiven as they were mentally ill.  I spent many years wishing that my parents had killed me, instead of bating,me, burning, trying to drown, threatening me with a knife to my throat, stepped on my face, punched in the stomach every day.  Every day before my brain fully developed, while my brain was developing.  Some say I should say sorry to my parents.  When I ask them for what,  they say for being bad, dropping out of school etc.  Some say that I went to such a good hight school and scored so high on the SAT’s because my parents were good parents, without knowing me at all.  Some think that i have been a professional artist since the late 90’s with my parents’ help.  Some say that I couldn’t achieve what I did without a safe childhood.  They say that I should pity my parents for what they went through.  I am starting to believe that I should pity them, as I have had psychotic episodes about 13 years ago when I was administered EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and it bought up memories that were supressed and I was poor and doing fetish work and I would get into fights, defecate or urinate in public, etc, etc.  It was also about the time when I had my 2nd abortion. I was impregnated by a man 20 years my senior, we were just fuck buddies ;he used the word lovers, then he started to insist that I was his girlfriend after he saw how much male  attention I got when he saw me in events, and started to insult everyone who were my colleagues, saying that he is the cream of the crop, n ot the cream of the crap.  He didn’t care that his teenage daughter knew that he was cheating with his girlfriend who he hadn’t seen in 2 years with me.  Needless to say I was not going to move in with him and have his baby. (He also said I had to work through my pregnancy, to pay rent even if he had a lot money from a rich ex wife and a divorce settlement, and he did not have to work)

So I had psychotic episodes and the anti-psychotics and the ant-ianxiety pills that were prescribed to me made my legs move uncontrollably, hear voices, get paranoid, and sleep for 16 hours at at time. (and that religious organization wanted me to stop doing nude modeling and work as a waitress)

I do feel bad for psychotics.  One becomes psychotic from painful experiences.  What needs to be done is reprogram the brain in safe environments where food and shelter is available.  I have been on the streets.  I have been in that corrupt nonprofit housing for the mentally ill where it was unsafe for me, and also I went hungry because of their corrupt practices.  I am praying for a safe home.  I haven’t gone back to medical and psychiatric care because the therapist stopped advocating for housing for me and the medical doctor brushed off the meth bugs as contact dermatitis from soap or detergent.

So the shooter should get help not justice.  So should all people of color.  For this to happen the privileged will have to pay more taxes, have less disposable income for expensive clothes made by child slaves, artisenal kimchee,  small batch whiskey, $15 cocktails, trips to foreign lands, etc etc.  The privileged will probably think I am nuts that they are helping by posting things online, signing electronic petitions, eating locally sourced things, etc.  The opressors need to give up opressing others to “right” things.

I like the French work “juste” It mans just, as in justice but also correct and fair.  For things to get “right”  those who have benefitted from being of the oppressing privileged must give up some of their privilege.  Paulo Freiire said

 “To surmount the situation of oppression, people must first critically recognize its causes, so that through transforming action they can create a new situation, one which makes possible the pursuit of a fuller humanity. But the struggle to be more fully human has already begun in the authentic struggle to transform the situation. Although the situation of oppression is a dehumanized and dehumanizing totality affecting both the oppressors and those whom they oppress, it is the latter who must, from their stifled humanity, wage for both the struggle for a fuller humanity; the oppressor, who is himself dehumanized because he dehumanizes others, is unable to lead this struggle.”
I highly recommend the book “The Pedagogy of the Opressed” whether you teach, want to teach, or just want human and planetary evolution.
My healing has started and accelerate, I want to have a safe place to continue healing and I can go back to independence in a world where I do not have to keep being retraumatized by racism and classism, and I can commit more to helping others.  I have been staying in safe places since mid march, and have not had to be on the streets.  I am grateful and happy.  The only drama I have had recently is arts related, but I am learning to avoid drama by staying near only those who are as accomplished as I am.  I have been staying in a place the past 2 weeks where I am catching up on the sleep I lost between December 2014 and mid May 2015.  December to March was inhaling second hand crystal meth and having 1 or 2 hours of sleep per night, and December until May I have had sleep deprivation due to the meth bugs (rashes from second hand crystal meth).  Before this experience I had only heard of Crystal Meth being a detrimental thing in rural areas, where people are addicted, and homes that produce the substance blow up.  Now I have experience in crystal meth.
I hope to find more stability in life soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s