My friend told me on Monday that I told him in a dream : “We wont see each other for a while” and we said goodbye. It just hit me its (Wednesday night) that it may mean that I will die soon. I started crying. I do not feel terror, and if it is sadness, I am sad because I will miss my friend. I meditated. I realized that I will be sad if I cannot see my friend for a while, whether I move away, travel or die. But I realized that I am also happy if I die or not. I have made works that gave me a sense of existance, where before I was a professional artist, I only felt fear and pain and anger and sadness. I had experiences to escape these states, but they were not real. I accomplished a lot and I survived a lot. I was able to love. the schizotypal ex boyfriend loves me and loved me. He is cares about my well being. My friend who said I said goodbye in a dream loves me too. He has a dissociative disorder and has or had another person in him ( I have not seen that other person in years, and I think he made a lot of progress). So I have been loved and have loved too. I also appreciate nature, have frienships with animals, have skills like divination and insight and was able to teach a class of children where people thought it was impossible.
So whether I die soon or travel, or move away, I am happy. I am happy to live and am also happy to release life.