Post vacation

I decided to try living in a shared bedroom situation.  The rent is low, and my friend told me that her friend doesn’t drink or do drugs, is an older lady, and practices healthy living.  I am ready for this.  A decade ago, it would have been out of the question, as I was such an individualist.  I wanted to believe in being a collectivist; I was more interested in the ideas of Christopher Lasche than in those of Ayn Rand’s.  I am ready for this experience, the experience of immigrants that I  have met and some who I have been friends with. If I feel safe, I intend to find a doctor and therapist and start CBT.  My last 2 therapists couldn’t start with therapies that will cure me, as my housing situations dealt with me just not ending up in a psychiatric hospital again.  My last therapist focused on just hearing about the horrible experiences I had with caseworkers.

I really need to get well.  I went on vacation.  I was doing pet care and other things the month that is just ending (September) and had some undomiciled days, so I spent some of the money I earned from the art commission to fly to a friend’s home.  I stayed with his family.  I haven’t went on a vacation since 2008, and it was long overdue.  My friend’s psychiatric state since he left the city and moved back in with his parents.  I saw such a change and wanted to change too.

I have known for years that I cannot work a menial job to get into a better economic position and work myself up.  I have nervous conditions, a low tolerance for being lied to or double talk ( I can read people well, and my high IQ)  and I have panic attacks, and bouts of dissociation. I cannot work in retail or food.  I was a waitress for about 11 years total (on and off since I was 15 years old) and couldn’t keep a job because I would dissociate when there were incidents of sexual harassment, and I would panic when I was spoken to in a condescending or demeaning way by customers and coworkers.  When I became defensive I was nasty and violent, and I could not keep a job in a restaurant for long.  I was on an unwritten “blacklist” for restaurants in my ethnicity.  I never tried to work at a “white” restaurant because I did not want more condescending speech directed towards me.  There is still racism in the city I live in.

I am told not to get emotional.  It is not about emotions they are panic attacks.  I recently read the book “the Boy Who was Raised as a Dog” by Bruce Perry.  In it Perry describes how children who were not safe and nurtured, and had unusually high violence directed towards them react on a reflexive brain stem mode and the brain did not develop to use reasoning, as a sense of safety was never instilled in them.  I am one of these people.  I am trying hard with meditation and trying to trust people but it is hard as I spent most of my life not feeling safe.  I had insomnia until I was 25 years old.  I t took 10 years of living apart from my family to be able to sleep the night through.  When I get upset where others don’t its not because I am emotional.  I am being defensive.  I was told by my past sex partners ( I want to stop thinking them of ex- boyfriends because in retrospect, as I was not in relationships.  I was used for sex, and the fact that I was not materialistic and have good work ethics, I would pay for the men on dates many times, and for some men, I would pay the rent when they “lost their jobs and couldn’t find more work”  *  Any ways I used to be told by these men that I was so cold and feeling less.  I seem to have been affected by not being able to be sad or cry as a child.  My parents told me that I was not allowed to have feelings because they owned me, and that I didn’t have any rights until I started making them money to help pay the rent (that their parents. my grandparents were paying)**    Even if I had hand me down toys or clothes, they were not mine but my parents,. as I did not have any friends; according to my parents all the children I knew were my parents’ kids

So I went on vacation and realized that I need to cure my PTSD, chronic anxiety, and other conditions (the third diagnosis has been called severe depression, Bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder)  I do not have parents that I can go back and live with and spend 3 years only working sporadically on projects and spend time creating and communing with nature.  I pray that I will find a way, or a way presents itself, as I believe that I can be broken away from this way of being.  I have recently had horrible experiences being talked down to, treated like I was stupid, pressured to find high stress low paying work and being assumed that nervous conditions meant low IQ.  I am guessing that my deficiencies in parts of my brain cause other parts of my brain to develop.  For instance, Dr Bruce Perry wrote about children who did not grow up learning how to socialize becoming adults who excelled at other things.  I also didn’t grow up to value social interactions and fitting in, and have been able to succeed in independent projects.

I need to stop listening to people who think that I need to work. I am somehow pleased that a yoga studio that is starting new programs forgot that after I agreed to teach classes at a regular time slot, gave it to somebody else and did not tell me when classes begin the 1st of October. It leaves me more time for what I want to be doing. I had put my intentions and prayers out to be able to augment my Social Security payments with art income. In August, I had a commission and a workshop engagement. I have wanted to travel more for art for a while. The universe is giving and taking away things in accordance to my fate, and I am grateful. I will have more time to make art and find a way to finally find the right doctor and therapist to cure me of my nervous conditions. If CBT doesn’t work I will push to try something else. I waited too long when the EMDR did not work and threw me into psychotic episodes. I believe that there are specialists out there who take medicaid and medicare who can help me so I can truly be independent again.

*Later on when I did fetish work, I noticed that some of the customers were not single, and they would complain about not being able to find work.  After I quit doing these jobs, I realized that they probably are the ones who get depressed for not being able to find work as their women support them amd the women have to try harder to please them, especially please them sexually as they men stayed at home finding nude/underwear/softdrapery models on craigs list, drank or did drugs, and perpetuated their depressed state because they were able to get away with it.

** When I was in my parents’ country my grandmother told the neighbors that I was the daughter of her dependent son, that she sends him money to pay his bills. My mother denied it, but as an adult, I am going to believe my deceased grandmother because I do not know her to be a liar, and know my mother to be a liar. My mother may have no sense of reality or morality.

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