I am still resting and having an unstructured life. I guess its my summer vacation in the winter. Because I have spent my childhood summers preparing to support my parents as early as possible* I never had one.
I explained a few days ago that I didn’t know that I had no boundaries between self and not self. I also grew up and spent much of my life alone in my pain. When a person is isolated from peers and told that beatings, and torture is bought on because of their actions **, and threatened to be further beaten and tortured and beaten if told to peers and others in authority (teachers, school principal) that person is very very removed from the world even when there are people around them When a child is dissociated and do not know the difference between being hypervigilant and dissociated, without time for a healthy homeostatic time, they grow up very much alone.
Being here has helped me see that others are suffering in different places under different circumstances and have survived. I am gradually undoing the messages of “You are a human ashtray for men to flick ashes into, out out their cigarettes, and spit into”, and “you are stupid” and “You made your parents poor and alcoholic because you were born” and “I have to sell you when you turn 12. Yours sister gets treated better and we have to take care of them because she is born from a planned pregnancy”.
I am reading of refugees not given refuge because they are not welcome to the countries they fled to. I think this is awful and it hits home, I was told that I have to stay on the streets or else stay with the addict who smokes crystal meth that caused me brain fog, insomnia, and painful and itchy rashes. It is horrific that people who are living in relative comfort want for people who are hurt, cold, and unstable to be in more pain because their perceived view that they are above the survuvors.
I am reading that in Michigan, people were poisoned with water with an unacceptable amount of lead, so the state can save money on water supply costs. I also remind myself that others in the north eastern states were poisoned with water that was contaminated with hydrofracking. I am not in the same situation, but I have been poisoned so a nonprofit housing and community organization can take my social security money as well as government grants and some kind of emergency welfare that they opened and collected in my name without my knowing at that time. I am trying to detoxify my body by sleeping a lot and eating detoxifying food and teas. I am not alone that I was poisoned due to people’s greed.
I am on wordpress more and I am reading others’ special, individual stories, and I am in solidarity to their fight to health.
I am seeing how peaceful people are being bombed for no reason except for the greed of the rich and powerful. I am horrified of the actions of the United States military, but I am starting to learn that my parents were also greedy. They grew up relatively well off in their country, and wanted the same when they immigrated here. When they did not get their way, they retaliated towards their daughter (me), as I could not fight back. My parents, were also spending a lot of their energy on obfuscation and lies, as the higher ups in this country.
My friend’s parents found a home that they want to move to and put a bid on it. I need to find a place to live soon. I have never requested on wordpress before, but please say a prayer for me.
*See December 2014 posts
**I was told that I was beaten because of being stupid, uninformed, and unproductive, and worthless. Preschool and school aged children, as smart as they are, need to be informed and taught. They need to be taught by adults in their lives and that is how they become informed. In retrospect, I know that my parents told me that I am worthless and unproductive because they believed that about themselves. I no longer believe that I was expected to work and pay their rent at 2 and 3 years old, though at that time I was too small to know better.