this article. and that article. And an internet community

I have posted this article last week.

I am almost done reading the above article.  I am reading this one slowly because it is technical, and when I integrate the information that is presented with my own life, the circumstances and ideas are so specific to my life experience.  I realize that my case is complex and that none of my therapists up to now were equipped to treat me.  The kind of trauma induced mental illness takes for the patient to be in a safe place, and for the therapist to be supportive. and avoid criticism.  I have never been in a situation in a therapy setting.

I am here resting and reading and listening via Youtube about PTSD and narcissistic sociopathic parents.  I never have before, as I was not ready.  Here I am allowed to cry, sleep long hours, and expose myself to information about the disorders that my parents have, in a place where I am not in danger.  Sometimes I have crying fits, which I believe is the release of those times decades ago when I was a child, when I was told that I am not to cry because they (my parents)  own me and I am not allowed to have feelings.  I was told that because I was housed by them (it was actually my grandparents mailing them rent money from abroad) I was not my own person, and I was not allowed to be in pain if they beat me.

I came across this article.

I was not ready to read this article before I came here,  and it was not easy to read, and my pulse went up, but it was also like an adrenaline rush to read because my childhood experience with my parents became much more clear.  I also feel not so alone.  I used to feel so alone because I couldn’t talk about childhood experiences, and explain why I have cut off communication with my parents.  My friend has been helpful in being supportive of my resting and not judging me for sleeping so much.  I am sleeping 9 or 10 hours a night, sometimes 11.  I believe exposing myself to information about narcissistic, sociopathic, and alcoholic parents while having enough time to sleep and process my exposure is what I need now for this time.

My friends’ parents found a house that they want to move to, and because it is smaller I cannot go along with them.  They have put in a bid and the process of buying the house has started.  I am applying to artist’s residencies where there is no fee, or where there is a stipend, so I can find places to stay.  I am also communicating with a friend who offered for me to stay with her for a temporary amount of time but the communication has been slow, as something happened to her and she is no longer sure if she is ready to live with a roommate at this time.  Again, I am asking the community to please pray for my finding a place to go to next.







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