This video says that  for children,watching abuse can damage as much as actually being abused.

I have been in pain with cold sweat, headache, and nausea, coughing because of recurring bouts of pain caused by being thrown, body slammed, punched, hit with lumber and hammers from age 6 or 7 until 12 years or so (when this mitigated I do not remember because my memory is so fuzzy)

I have PTSD also.  The sexual, mental and physical abuse started at 2 years old.  My earliest memories are being fingered by my parents and made to jerk off and finger my mom, and being taught sexual terms as a game.  I remember being hit but before 1st grade, I do not know if it was corporal punishment, or abuse.  I do not know when the mental abuse started either.  I do remember that as I was able to walk at 1 or 2, I started being given alcohol so I can dance naked in front of my parents’ friends when they had people over to drink.  So watching violence is not as bad as being abused.  I cant go to a doctor because I am not in the state that my medicaid is in.

I will go to a state near my medicaid/home state in a week.  I was supposed to teach a workshop there in exchange for free rent but the terms changed and it seems like her new arts organization is not ready to have workshops.  I also have a bad feeling as she is addicted to illegal substances.

I have spent the last almost 3 months here; my friend rescued me.  3 weeks after I arrived she started taking a different medication, some of  which are controlled.  She is also taking different medications, and drinking 2 bottles of Persecco a night, sometimes with wine and beer on top of that.  The past 2 months have gotten from tense to stressful.  I believe that her  demanding, childish, controlling behavior that has developed from her mix of substances is a factor in these 8 days of pain.  I am in bed all day.  I am reminded that I need to still catch up on sleep.  I am reminded to stay away from addicts, and to break the cycle that started from my being born into an addict and sociopath’s home.  I look forward to leaving here, though my near future is still shaky.  My legs and back hurts, and my shoulder pain is shooting electricity like pain down my arms.  I need to move my head once in a while or else the part of my head that is on the mattress starts to go numb.  I want very much to be in a peaceful place to live and recuperate.  Please pray for me




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