I slept on and off since morning. I still have a lot of catching up to do. 5 or 6 months of sleeping 1 hour per night from the roommate’s crystal meth in the supportive housing program and the 2 months last fall with a ghost. I have had difficulty catching up on sleep with the places I stayed in.
I am renting a room from supportive people who know about mental health and torture so they do not judge me but as i was dozing off I thought of the people who suggest that i work in retail or something that pays too little and would be a bad fit for my 150+ IQ and my nervous conditions and disabilities. These people never saw me have a panic attack, not have they seen me 12 years ago have psychotic episodes. I want, for a moment, to kill them after I torture them. I am making progress. I used to want to kill myself. Now I know that they are the people who can stand to suffer more, the ones that have never been tortured for a prolonged amount of time, lived in fear and terror since birth, and never had a childhood would see their ignorance and privilege. I see race, economics, gender privilege being discussed but I do not see much about ableism. I want to get better to fight for disability and CPTSD issues. But now I need to eat and sleep.
I noticed that my last few posts have a lot of typos. I will leave them like that. I need to keep reminding myself that I survived days like that as well; days where I cannot sleep and cannot be coherent. I amaze myself with things I go through and my courage and strength