why?

I haven’t written in a while.  I am in my home city.  I am blessed to have a great friend rent me a room in her apartment.  I am still in pain.  I fell down stairs and have severe strains and sprains in my ankle.  I am still having pain in my upper body though I try to treatent of some kind of other every week; i have a part time job that is 12-30 hours a week, that keeps me still receiving SSDI.  I was assaulted by a high school ‘friend’ in May.  I called the cops, he twisted the phone out of my hand and he called the cops from his phone saying that I was tresspassing.  When the cops came, they believed him; he is a white male.  He said that he never hit, shoved and knocked me down, and he never took my phone; he put it somewhere and said that I forgot where I placed it.  The cops believed the white male.

So this post is because people ask why?

Q. Why is your back still messed up? Chiropractic (or acupuncture/Physical Therapy/pain pills) will get rid of it.

I have fascial adhesions.  I was thrown, body slammed, punched, beaten, hit with pieces of building wood most days since 1996 or7, until 1986 when I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward at the beginning of my 2nd year of high school.  No I wasn’t thrown and body slammed at age 15, that was from about 1979-1983 from about age 8 to 12.  I have 4 bulging discs, 2 in my cervical, 2 in my lumbar.  Strangely I have no lower back pain, but on hot, humid, rainy, or strange days my right hip socket hurts.  I tried, Physical therapy, chiropractic, tui na, acupuncture, taking someone else’s methadone/percoset/hydrocodone, and none of them made my chronic upper body problems go away.  If you look at my posts from spring, this issue became really bad in April.

I had,  as severely as you see people being beaten by police being viral all over the internet, adults, but i was a child.  This happened most days maybe a few days a month I did not get beaten.  Conservatively, I was assaulted, as severe as the brutal beatings that you see on the internet, more than 3000 times.  I have chronic injury, mostly in the form of fascial adhesions.  I can not get a referral to myofascial release.  If anyone knows a doctor who takes medicaid and medicare who can refer me to myofasical release, please comment.  I am willing to relocate.

Time does not make it go away.  Wishing does not make it go away.

 

Q. You do not look injured.  Are you sure?

I was not allowed to cry, talk about pain, talk to teachers, nor talk about the abuse.  I do not remember being without pain.  Perhaps in my first few years of my life when my father seemed to love me I was not in pain.  Though I am told learning to give hand jobs to my father and to finger my mother, and being fingered by my parents beginning at age 2 is abuse, these events did not hurt.  I have danced and done yoga to manage the pain.  I love/d to dance so much because being in the flow of dancing during rehearsals and performances are the only times my pain completely goes away.

 

Q. Why did you get abused? Is it part of your culture?

My parents have the same mental illness as Charles Manson.  They were not as smart.  Instead of targeting adults, they targeted me.

Q. Isn’t it part of your culture to sell your daughter for sex?

People all over the world do this out of desperation or greed/laziness.  It doesn’t make the victim go unscathed

Q. Where did this happen?

In the USA there were child protection laws, but as many of you know these laws only protect the privileged, and the privileged parents can use their money and influence to cover up their abuse, so really, US children are not protected.  Being POC and poor, dirty, always wearing the same clothes, and always dissociating/net being there as a child did not make me popular with the public school teachers.  I was born in the USA but I cannot say that I was raised.

Q. How did you survive?

I was hell bent on not becoming like my parents.  I worked hard.  I stopped doing drugs young.  I decided not to be addicted to any substances.  You can see in my earlier posts, that I did any job, even dangerous ones that furthur damaged my health to survive.  My parents had parental help well into their 40’s.  I did not.  I was on my own at age 16.  I was mostly not living at home since age 15 because i was always getting kicked out.  Yes, when it was convinient for them they would call my school with a sob story that I have not been home.  They are really good at melodramatics and histrionics.  I know how to be in pain.  I have had unsafe jobs, lived on the streets, seen things about the underworld that people with more sheltered lives cannot believe, and I am still alive.

Q.  What are you planning to do at the end of the summer when the sublet is up?

I do not know.  I have been in too much pain to address this

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