It has been 2 months! Thank you all who read my posts and those who are following my blog.
So to continue, I want to back track to what happened to me in the 70’s Here is an example of white, classist fascism in the 90’s
I was doing my student teaching in the 1990’s in a highschool with metal detectors, and teachers and security guards who verbally abused the students.
My art students told me about their English class where they sat and read from a book and the teacher sat at his desk. I liked to eat lunch in the classroom while grading assignments, and eventually letting students who did not like the school cafeteria due to bullying, or students who wanted to make up their missed work instead of going to lunch, or chatting with my cooperating teacher, the experienced teacher who advised my student teaching.
My cooperating teacher, Mr. D told me to occasionally go to the teacher’s cafeteria to eat lunch and to learn. I was appalled at what was going on. These white teachers who commute in from the suburbs. They were naming students’ names and calling them “losers” and “pains in the ass”. One teacher told me to just go through with my student teaching, but the “Kids are not worth it” I recognized some of the names; some were students who had to work from after school until night in the other side of their area, or been homeless from time to time or under some other stresses. There were some students that fell through the system and held back many times because they cannot read, though they showed evidence of high conceptual and problem solving skills, and signs of dyslexia. Mr. D. also had me follow him to his substitute appointments to special education classes. Again I saw students were stigmatized as not being worth teaching.
I can just imagine the teachers talking about me in the teacher breakrooms in the 70’s. I can imagine that this is still continuing. Poor people of color are put through the system to work for low wages and be held down. The American Dream of meritocracy is a lie.
I was told to call mother, honorable maternal parent, my father; honorable paternal parent while my sister called them mom and dad. I was taught to be docile, and the mental and physical abuse programmed me to be docile and small. I was fed different food than my sister. My sister was the golden child in the narcissistic parents’ dynamic; I was the scapegoat. Because they have never apologized to me, they are still in this dynamic, although I haven’t seen them for more than a decade and a half.**
I once asked my mother why my sister was treated better than me and that she didn’t have to make money for them, my mother said that she was not as smart. My mother also said that I was the one that people paid attention to, since I was a baby. I was told that people stopped to admire me when she was walking me in a stroller in the streets. I was told that her friends, and friends’ children wanted to talk to me. I was told that her friends’ children, when they were toddlers, told my mother that they wanted to marry me when I grew up. According to my parents, their revenge on my diverting attention away from them was to use me as their property so they do not have to work.
I was the chosen one to start being sexually abused at age 2 or earlier, dance sexually for their friend before I knew the alphabet, and starting at age 6 or so, beaten everyday, sometimes thrown into furniture, floor, stairs, and sometimes hit with hammers, frying pans, lumber, lathes, encyclopedias and kerbanger toys.
I was taught that i will be sold when I turn twelve.
When I tell P.O.C.s they listen to me as a human being. When I tell white people this the women get uncomfortable that I suffered more than them, that I have had a more bad ass story, and they see the docile, “knows how to treat a woman” sexually objectifying my own self for men subtleties that they probably are not cognizant of, but are threatened. The few white men I told, they think its part of culture, poverty, so what. There needs to be people like me for when they get low end outcall services, cheap lap dances, sexual massages, or free internet porn. If they are not sex services consumers, it would be rare that these men have not though about it. People who have benefited from others being oppressed are wired to see people as beneath themselves, and thus dehumanizing their own self. This behaviour results when one thinks it is ok to degrade others to take back their power. People are programmed to be white supremist, and act out of anger into hurting others by TV, movies, literature, and internet and magazines.
I didn’t know that I had this high end prostitute toolkit of mannerism embedded in the way I hold myself, talk, and gesture. I started noticing about 5 years ago. I have exploited it when I have performed in my friends’ nightlife shows (though I am an artist who has had work in arts organizations and theaters). I want to turn it off and just be neutral; I try to catch myself. I want to be part of a new human, the ones who look past neoloberalism to stop the denigration of people.
This is why racism, classism, dehumanizing people has been embedded in the USA before President Trump. The USA was built on General Custer’s Army lying, stealing, and committing genocide on the First Nation people, then on slaves working for white people, to make them money but not get paid.
I know it has taken me 2 months to finish this post. I have an appointment with and osteopath next week I am in less pain than last April, and over the summer and October through February.
It heartens me to see that people read my entries, and follow this blog. Thank you for reading. I hope you join me in communicating to people. At this time communicating and learning is all I can do in this class and race struggle. I hope you join me in class warfare and class struggle
*After I was in 1st grade, my parents seldom worked. Their parents sent them money. They did not manage their money wisely and spent it on partying and alcohol. I had very few clothes, so I wore the same clothes all the time and out of season. When their friends gave them their childrens’ clothes, they would hide them, saying that they were not given to me but them and that the childrens’ clothes are theirs not mine. I do not own anything because they (my parents own me) I wore those clothes on occasion that I would meet them. I never told anybody this until today.
** November 2015 was the first time I learned about the scapegoat/golden child dynamic. I am so grateful for all the courageous people on youtube who are coming out with their stories and informing us about narcissitic abuse. There is a lot more information on this subject as there is more technology available for more people, and I hope that the stigma of being a survivor mitigates more and more